Living With Grief After Losing a Parent

My first parent to die was my mother. Literally and figuratively, she left me clinging to her physical body long after she returned to her forever home with Jesus. I didn't want her to go, and told the funeral director I didn't want him to come for her right away.

For two weeks before she died, I begged her not to go. She had made the decision to stop eating — she was ready to die and wanted to be with Jesus. She had dementia and was living in a locked unit within a care facility in the town where I lived. I knew I had her for two weeks after having her for 64 years of my life. I wondered — what would I do without my mother?

I pondered this question for years. I kept a journal with a daily spiritual message and wrote in it every day for a year. The book was a mess as I poured my heart — and my tears — over those pages, sometimes twice or more a day. It's just my opinion, but I think everyone needs a book like that! I felt abandoned and motherless. I felt like an orphan. All common feelings after a loss. I still miss her daily.

There are many books that talk about the stages of grief. Some list 4 stages, some 6, and some 8. I'm going to use a simpler model — 5 stages of grief and loss.

Shock/Denial — the reality does not feel real.

Bargaining — begging God to return your loved one to you, making a bargain with God.

Anger — feelings that range from upset to rage about what you are going through, what others say in response to your grief, and what others do not say.

Depression — sadness, loss of appetite, loss of interest in life and living, staying in bed for entire days, no longer wanting to see others, emotional overload — or emotions that shut off entirely as one slips back into denial. This is one of the longest stages of the grief process.

Acceptance — the final step in the grief process.

Not all of these feelings or stages occur in any certain order or pattern, and there is not always a clear crescendo.

As a retired therapist, I can tell you that you want your person — your friend or relative — to reach anger. It lets you know they are moving through the stages, and anger is also one of the longest. Anger is crucial to recovery, though recovery never looks quite the way life used to.

Normal life never actually returns the way it was, though people report feeling lighter at times, and an interest in others and in living starts to return periodically. Perhaps one turns to a hobby, a coffee group, or a support group. It is also very common for a person to seek therapy — especially if anger has not been reached. Therapy is deeply helpful, as you have one professional person in your corner who you can trust, who will walk through the grieving process with you when others grow tired or forget.

Acceptance comes after a long time. The loss remains, and you learn to live with it — carrying it with you wherever you go.

Shalom–shalom, Kristin Gedstad